Sesshoumaru in Seattle
by forthright
Summary: Oneshot. Sesshoumaru's something of a local celebrity. His name's the buzz on the streets. His face is on billboards. And his voice has all of Seattle tuning in, looking for advice. "I'm listening..." AU. OOC. Parody.


**Disclaimer:** I do hereby disclaim all rights and responsibilities for the characters in this unabashed parody… especially for the ones who are emulating some of Seattle's more famous denizens. A nod of recognition is bent towards Rumiko Takahashi for her creative prowess.

**A Debt of Gratitude:** Many thanks to mine beta Fenikkusuken and my baituh JMaxwell for helping me keep everyone _out_ of character… for a change.

**A Note of Explanation: **I was feeling silly.

This oneshot was originally posted to Live Journal on May 4, 2008.

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**Sesshoumaru in Seattle**

Dr. Sesshoumaru Fang re-crossed his legs and tightened the knot on his silk robe before shaking out his morning paper. Reaching for his coffee, he paused to sniff appreciatively. _I __must__ thank Inuyasha for recommending this new blend. It's superb._ Taking a slow sip, he let his golden gaze drift to the impressive skyline view his luxury apartment afforded, and enjoyed a smug moment of self-congratulation. His name was the buzz on the street, his face graced buses and billboards, and his voice had all of Seattle tuning in, looking for advice. No matter the problem, Sesshoumaru Fang always knew the perfect thing to say.

Turning his eyes back to the newspaper columns, his expression soured. _Egad! The cretins butchered it again. Shesshomaru? Please. That's not even close. _All of Seattle might _know_ his name, but it appeared that no one in this fair city could be bothered to correctly _spell_ it. Selecting another section with a peevish _tsk_, Sesshoumaru's peaceful morning reverie was further interrupted by a mad scratching at the apartment door. Stifling a groan, he flicked his long, silver hair over his shoulder and reached for the carafe to refill his cup, pointedly ignoring his father and the 'beast' he kept for a pet as they returned from their morning walk.

"Hey, son," called Marty Fang cheerfully, stowing a windbreaker in the coat closet. Leaning heavily on a cane—thanks to an old 'war wound'—Sesshoumaru's father made his way over to the glaring anomaly in the apartment's modern décor that was his favorite chair.

_I hate that chair,_ Sesshoumaru grumbled inwardly. The tatty abomination was practically held together by duct tape, but the sentimental old fool refused to part with it. He would never understand his father's baffling affection for such common and unseemly things. As if on cue, his pint-sized nemesis jumped up onto the leather sofa and fixed him with a stare that set Sesshoumaru's teeth on edge. Hackles rising, he scowled at his father's latest whimsy. _Honestly, who ever heard of an inu-youkai who kept a __dog__? It's… ridiculous._ Marty seemed to think it a great joke and doted on the little mutt. _I hate that dog._ Sesshoumaru met his father's carefree grin over the edge of the paper. "Good morning, Dad," he replied evenly.

Easing into the recliner with a satisfied grunt, his father beckoned excitedly. "Sesshoumaru, you've _got_ to see this! I taught him a new trick today in the park!"

"You don't say," Sesshoumaru drawled, trying to convey as much disinterest as possible.

"The guys and I got to talking about him last night at McGinty's, and they bet me I couldn't teach him anything, but we proved them wrong, didn't we boy?" Marty gave the small dog an affectionate chuck under the chin with clawed fingers.

"Yes, well if you and—what's his name, Tootsie?—came up with the scheme, I'm sure it's an epic feat of canine brilliance.

"It's Totosai, and _yeah_… it's pretty damned clever," retorted Marty, miffed by his son's unfeeling sarcasm.

Before the tension could thicken in the air between them, a chirpy voice broke in. "Good morning, Dr. Fang… Mr. Fang! Isn't it a perfectly lovely day?"

"Good morning, Kagome!" smiled Marty as he put his feet up and propped his hands behind his head.

"Kagome," Sesshoumaru returned in a tone modulated to imply greeting. He'd had his reservations about hiring a human to serve as a live-in housekeeper, but Miss Kagome Moon was turning out to be surprisingly capable… and blessedly oblivious.

She paused in front of him, a laundry basket perched on one hip. "Oh, Dr. Fang! I had the _strangest_ dream, and I thought maybe you could analyze it for me… since you're a psychologist and all. I know it might sound silly, but the women in my family are quite famous for having 'the sight'…"

"So you've mentioned… repeatedly," Sesshoumaru dryly pointed out.

"Grammy Moon always told me not to ignore my visions because they could be portents," she continued, earnest eyes wide.

Mustering his patience, her employer set aside his paper and folded his hands, giving her his full attention. "All right, Kagome… I'm listening."

"Last night, in a dream, I 'saw' three strange men standing together; they all had long, silver hair and eyes as yellow as the sun. I couldn't shake the feeling that I _knew_ them from somewhere."

"How odd," Sesshoumaru commented mildly. "Please, continue."

Kagome's eyes drifted out of focus as she tried to recapture the moment. "Then a voice told me that one of them would fall for me… that he was my destiny. I found that bit rather exciting."

"Quite. Is that all?"

"No, there's more," she assured him, voice dropping into conspiratorial tones. "You see, one of those men had a pretty little crescent moon, right in the middle of his forehead." At this, she reached out and helpfully poked Sesshoumaru's brow, saying, "Just here."

He didn't even blink. "You don't say."

"My last name is Moon, you know. Do you think that means _he's_ the one who was marked for me by fate?" she pressed.

"It's probably nothing, but I'll look into it," he promised, then smoothly changed the subject. "In the meantime, could you put on another pot of coffee?"

Nodding to the laundry load, she said, "Let me just get this started. I'll be back in two shakes."

When the apartment door closed, father and son exchanged a look. "She has no clue we're not human, does she?" Marty said with a wry grin.

"No. I think not," agreed Sesshoumaru blandly, gesturing between them. "Our illusions are definitely holding. She can't see any of this."

"Interesting dream, though," Mr. Fang mused. "Too close to the truth to be a coincidence. You think she'll figure it out?"

"Hnn. Perhaps there are latent miko powers in her line, so she's aware of our true nature on some subconscious level. I doubt she'll ever realize; it's probably kinder not to tell her," Sesshoumaru said decidedly.

The front door reopened, but not to admit their pretty, young housekeeper. Instead, Sesshoumaru's nattily-dressed younger half-sibling breezed into the apartment, practically bounding in his eagerness. "Morning, Dad… Sesshoumaru," Dr. Inuyasha Fang called as he draped his trench coat over the back of the closest chair and fussily straightened his tie.

"You're out and about early for a Sunday. What brings you sniffing around my door, Inuyasha?" inquired Sesshoumaru silkily as he reclaimed his paper.

The hanyou's eyes roved the room with a hopeful light. "Oh, umm… I just… thought I'd drop by… say 'hello' to Dad… you know…" he rambled vaguely.

"Indeed?" the elder Dr. Fang murmured, unconvinced.

Inuyasha minced his way over to the table where his brother was seated, taking a moment to lean forward and peek through the kitchen door in what he must have thought an unobtrusive manner. "Yes, of course," he nodded absently.

"In that case, won't you join me? She'll be back in a few moments," revealed Sesshoumaru nonchalantly.

"Oh, goo–" began Inuyasha, barely recollecting himself in time and puffing up indignantly. "I have _no idea _what you mean, Sesshoumaru."

"Oh, please. You've been mooning over Kagome for weeks now—no pun intended. Your infatuation couldn't be more transparent," smirked the older brother.

From the recliner came the sound of a clearing throat. "He's got a point there, son. You're one whipped puppy," opined their father.

Sputtering helplessly, the hanyou resorted to pouting when Sesshoumaru arched an elegant brow in his direction. "Have you forgotten about Kikyo? Your wife?"

"Of course not," Inuyasha sulked, his ears flattening sheepishly. "She's off at some spa in the Caribbean, being packed in mud. It's supposed to be very… therapeutic," he stated huffily. "And I resent the insinuation that I've been 'mooning'. I'm only doing my duty as one of the Fang men, trying to make Kagome feel welcome here," he insisted.

"Hnn… and you call yourself a psychiatrist," Sesshoumaru sighed, setting aside his paper and gesturing his brother to a chair. "At least with Kikyo out of the way, you'll be free to attend the opera with me? I was able to secure tickets for_ I Puritani_ this Wednesday."

"Ah, excellent," effused Inuyasha as he claimed his seat, only to pop back up when the apartment door opened and Kagome bustled back in.

"Oh, Dr. Fang! You're here too? Isn't that nice. Such a gentleman, too… you shouldn't bother on my account. Would you like some coffee? I was just about to make Dr. Fang another pot," she burbled winsomely.

Watching his half-brother's smitten expression, Sesshoumaru took pity and answered for both of them. "Thank you, Kagome. That would be acceptable." When the young woman ducked into the kitchen, and the sound of humming reached their ears, the elder Dr. Fang gave the hanyou an exasperated look. "For heaven's sake, Inuyasha, pull yourself together," he snapped.

Deciding it was time to change the subject, Marty Fang sat forward in his recliner. "You know what? With both of you here, I think it's a good time to demonstrate that new trick I was talking about. Edo! C'mere, Edo!" Whistling softly, he called his pet to attention. "Let's show him how clever you are; right, boy?"

Edo barked and danced in a frisky circle, bringing Kagome from the kitchen, which sent Inuyasha rocketing to his feet again. "_Really_, Dr. Fang. There's no need to stand on formality," she giggled. "I was just wondering how you take your coffee?"

"Oh, umm… half-latte, skim, no foam, nutmeg, and just a _brush_ of cinnamon," he supplied, holding up his thumb and forefinger to emphasize the scantness of spice.

"Erm… right," blinked Kagome, before retracing her steps.

Inuyasha dropped unceremoniously into his chair, deaf to his father's cajoling of an uncooperative Edo. Sesshoumaru looked askance at the younger Dr. Fang. "You look like an idiot, bobbing up and down," he whispered.

"I'm just being a gentleman," Inuyasha muttered back with a sniff.

"Come on, Edo! You had it down pat in the park earlier," Marty wheedled coaxingly.

"Dad, it's useless. That idiotic flea magnet will never cooperate," remarked Sesshoumaru flatly.

His father propped a hand on his hip, then addressed his stubborn pet. "Did you hear that? Are we gonna let him get away with that? I think not!"

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes at his father's pointless pep talk, then turned his attention back to Inuyasha, who had managed to tip his chair onto its back legs and was teetering dangerously in an attempt to keep the sweet-faced housekeeper in view._ I am surrounded by lunatics… and I'm something of an authority on the subject._ Shaking his head, Sesshoumaru glanced towards Marty, who had finally calmed Edo enough that the dog was standing attentively at his feet, tail wagging energetically.

Not daring to look away and lose his pet's rapt concentration, the eldest Fang male gesticulated wildly. "That's it, Edo! That's it! You boys, watch this!" he urged before drawing a deep breath and saying, "Sit, boy!"

With a yelp, Inuyasha overbalanced, and in a frantic windmilling of arms and legs, he landed with an _oof,_ right at Kagome's feet. "Oh, Dr. Fang!" she cried in dismay, hastily depositing his coffee on the table before dropping to her knees at his side. "What happened? Are you hurt?" The rumpled hanyou blinked up at her dazedly, then swooned anew when the woman placed a gentle hand on his cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Never better," Inuyasha croaked, giving Kagome a goofy grin.

Marty Fang chuckled and muttered, "Well, at least this time he didn't jump like a jack-in-the-box when she came into the room."

Sesshoumaru pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, now he's simply throwing himself at her feet. That's _so_ much better."

His father reached down to scratch Edo behind his ears, his eyes taking on a teasing light. "You heard our resident miko. It was his _destiny_ to fall."

"Hnn… leave it to Inuyasha to tempt fate by giving his heart to two different women at the same time."

Marty grunted softly. "Don't be too hard on him, Sesshoumaru. It happens."

"Yes… _you_ would know," his son acknowledged, letting his eyes wander back to his half-brother, who contentedly continued his imitation of a scatter rug while Kagome fussed over him. "He _actually_ fell for her—literally and figuratively. I think our Miss Moon bears watching if this is a sampling of her… unique abilities."

"Oh, I'm sure Inuyasha will agree to keep an eye on her for us," replied his father with a rakish flash of fang.

Sesshoumaru reached for his paper again, heaving a melodramatic sigh. "I'm afraid he's lost to us… poor bastard."

Shaking his head, Marty reached for the remote. "Oh, he's a goner, all right… _lucky_ bastard," he corrected.

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**End Note:** This oneshot was written for the Live Journal community iyfic(underscore)contest and their theme for Week 142—AU. 2,137 words.


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